


Loneliness in spring

by nochnoyvangogh



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:47:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28087950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nochnoyvangogh/pseuds/nochnoyvangogh
Summary: The thoughts of a broken man
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	Loneliness in spring

Silence reigned in the mansion. Or in what was left of it.

The hallways, plagued of remains of other rooms, were my only Company. Another day. Tired and miserable.

I didn´t know how long had I been sitting there; maybe some minutes, maybe some hours or even days. I didn´t remember. It didn´t matter. I barely felt hunger or the pain in the opened wound in my side, only bitterness and the weight of regret.

Regret of the thousand actions that took me to my current situation. This was all my fault, and never, even if I could amend all my decisions, would mitigate the pain I had caused.

So much suffering to try to save my selfishness… shielding myself in my own battle.

I looked up and focused my eyes on the big window. The shiny stars could be seen through the dirty window panes and the clear sky. I couldn't remember if it was long after dark.

I thought about everything. I thought about nothing. I thought about her… about them… The only emotion that I was capable of feel for months emerged and the claws began to come out, but I stopped them. I didn´t want to cause more damage. I just hit my limit.

I sat there, concentrating on emptying my mind as the moonlight of the crescent moon filled my eyes. I also didn't notice when a red-haired man appeared next to me.

“How long have you been like that?”, he said directly and dryly.

I didn´t answer, I didn´t even have the strength to do it.

“Have you eaten something?”. Again, I didn´t answer. What was he doing here? why did he came back? did he came to end the violent discussion of days ago? “Anyway, I´ll take care of it”

I heard his footsteps walk away calmly. He had come out of grief. Out of pity. I disgusted myself.

The High Lord of the Spring Court reduced to… nothing.

I started with the already routine internal torture. Think about my mistakes and reflect on how I couldn't fix them. It had only been a few months since my life began to fall apart. All because of me, dragging everyone into my own misery.

When did it all begin?… Oh, yes… When I heard Feyre vomit up into the intestines and I never got up. Always too tired or haunted by my own nightmares. I wanted to think that she preferred to deal with it alone. How wrong were I.

Although whenever it happened to me, she was by my side. My sweet Feyre. How much pain I caused her.

But the bad things started when Rhysand used to her away that damn week every month. When I came back I always saw her healthier, more whole, more... happy.

I still remember her gaze when she saw me when she arrived. Disappointment was what her eyes reflected. And that was killing me.

And when she sent me the letter saying that she would not return… How were I suppoused to know that she had learned to read?

We never saw each other, not even in the moments I had free to see her. That's when I began to realize that I was losing her.

And not only her, I lost everything around me. Even if I did my best to keep things in place, not wanting to know that I just couldn't fix everything. Neglecting what I had to take care of the most.

I should have gotten up every time Feyre woke up sick of the past.

I should have caressed her more.

I should have taught her to read myself.

I should have listened to her when she needed to drop everything.

And thinking I ever told her that a woman could not be a Great Lady.

What was wrong with me? What on earth was I thinking about? How devastated did Under the Mountain leave us?

All of these thoughts poisoned my mind, even when I slept... If I even slept... Wow... I also couldn't remember the last time I did it.

I also thought about Rhysand. How much pain could have been avoided between the two of us if I had only tried to stop my family when they were going to massacre theirs. When I thought about this I felt the stench of his sister's and mother's blood. What a cruel ending. How unfair. But the younger me was even more terrified about his own father than of Rhysand.

Now I understood. And precisely that understanding was what destroyed me and destroyed everything I loved the most

Would Feyre ever forgive me? And Rhysand? Was I condemned to die buried in my misery?

Silence reigned in the mansion. A deafening silence that made the bones and the empty spirit of a fallen Great Lord tremble.


End file.
